Burning Bridges
by panicpeachpit
Summary: One-shot. *potential spoilers*. In aid to find peace, Alicia troubles over a decision that could rock her and Ethan's world. Ethan battles with selfishness but is trying to stick to his morals. Both are thinking of the wrong issue - but they're missing the big picture. Short but sweet. Internal battles. No TWs. (I'm back, suckers).


**_Burning Bridges_**

 _"With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay. You said hey man, I love you, but no fucking way," - unknown._

 ** _x-x-x-_ x-x**

Ethan never could understand the toxicity of them. Never could try. Always so wrapped up in metaphors and lacy analogies and notions of love, so foreign to her in her previous world of one night stands and parental divorce. He never got it. He never even _tried_.

Bollocks, Alicia admits to herself. He always tried. Sometimes too hard. He'd bent over backwards for her until his spine would snap. Even if she didn't want him to.

Overbearing and protective, loving and kind, smothering and know-best. She worked out a long time ago that people don't spring back as quickly as you'd think from bad events. Death has changed him, she knows that. A lot has changed him, a lot has changed them together, and it's not as innocent as it once was.

And _he_ has changed her, she knows that too.

 _Both_ of them. Both the men in her lives.

Then she feels bad for even comparing Ethan to Eddie. Because Eddie always tried to please himself. Ethan tries too hard to please her.

Maybe she ought to just stick away from men.

 _Pfft_. that worked out well last time, didn't it?

He said he doesn't care. Whatever she does, he doesn't care. "As long as you're happy, 'lich," he said, with a huge smile splitting face, eyes shiny with grief.

She said she'd throw the letter away if he wanted. He said he didn't want her to waste this opportunity.

Kept blowing it off, like it wasn't a big deal. Like it wasn't what she'd been waiting for, the big break, her final destination, the place she knows she'd belong so effortlessly in.

She acted like she didn't care.

And he acted the same.

And what's worse, she knows that Ethan would be so supportive if she was _honest_ about how much it meant to her. He'd watch her go and make sure she got there safe. He'd send her everything she needed so she could flee quickly, he'd tell everyone else that she left so she didn't have to, he'd fight down her demons until he was on the ground, knees buckled, broken.

"Ethan's home is here," she had said to Elle, trying to talk it out.

Elle was headstrong. Told her to do what she wanted.

This is her choice. Not his.

This is what she wants to fight for.

It mended and glued her back together. This job, it gave her something to fight for, when fighting for herself felt useless. It made her a good doctor. And eventually, it made Alicia a better version of herself. Hard-working and confident and compassionate.

She doesn't need a man. She needs to hail a taxi and an aeroplane ticket and a suitcase filled with baggage, leaving her other sorts of emotional baggage behind. She won't need that where she's going.

This is what she wants. This is what is going to wake her up in the mornings before her alarm.

It's about her this time. It is.

Her first resolution to avoid men and alcohol was trivial. An attempt to change herself, to get herself back on track. The intentions were wobbly. Alicia knew she'd fail from the get-go but this time, she wants this for a reason.

She'll sleep with whoever she likes, she'll get to that point where a dark bedroom doesn't harbour evil. She knows she will because she wants to.

Elle is right. It's about time Alicia Munroe got what she damn well wants.

 ** _x-x-x-_ x-x**

It never was going to be easy. The inevitability of it destroyed him. _Because everyone always leaves, and she will too._ She _is_. He knew it was coming, somehow, before she even brought it up. Call it a sixth sense. Call it knowing her, too well. Each quirk, each thought. As well and as plainly as his own - perhaps better.

Watching her, today, the woman he loves, straying away from him... knowing there's nothing he can say to fix it, nothing that he can do. He wants to protect her endlessly, to do what he can to keep her smiling. Protect her innocence that has long since been tarnished. Be the one who holds her up, be the one - selfishly - who gives her joy. To be who _she'd_ die for too. He wants to get into her head and reroute this decision, so selfishly. He never wants to lose her. Yet he is.

And regardless, he never could control her. Neither particularly wear (or more fittingly, _wore_ ) the trousers in their relationship. It was simply who was telling who off at what time. Who was struggling, who was trying to fix it up for them. The invalid and the mender. A constant game of doctors and nurses.

Come to think of it through memories, he knows it wasn't as fantastic, jaw-dropping and as destiny written as he figured it was. Both clashed, both struggled, and both strayed away from one another. They argued and fought, glasses of wine to soften the blow as they partook in shallow make-up sex, knowing it wouldn't fix the problem, but hoping it would anyway.

It was toxic. From the beginning, it was damn toxic. The cheating. The eventual relationship with the huge blow of Cal's death, using her as a pillar. Breaking up and getting back together again, endlessly. Predictable as a damn jack-in-the-box. Every time, they hid something monumental from eachother. And each time, it ended in flames.

Like now. Exactly like now.

He keeps thinking of what she said.

"I've been offered a placement."

He keeps thinking of his reaction. Hours later.

Bringing the wedding ring to work with him on his break. Knowing it'll keep her with him.

Manipulative. He'll tie the wedding ring around her finger. She can't leave then, can she? _Can she?_

The thought of it makes him feel sick. _Ethan_. _You're going to trap her. You're going to keep her from what she wants to do. It's not fair._

 _But I can't lose any_ _more. I can't say any more goodbyes._

And then the reminder comes back: This isn't about you.

He wants to see her happy. He truly does.

Yet he can't quite find it in himself - just this once, like he always used to - to be selfless. He can't bear to let her go.

But he will.

Maybe that's what love is meant to be. If someone makes you happy, make them happier.

How'd you cope, though, when you know they'd be happier without you?

 ** _x-x-x-_ x-x**

 _ **Evening.**_

When they meet outside, everyone else is indoors. He couldn't quite wait. He couldn't even wait the fifteen minutes until their shift was over.

Someone could be dying inside, but Ethan was concentrated on the ring in his hands.

Alicia stuffs her hands in her pockets. Ethan is waiting for the right moment to kneel, to try and find the words, even though they taste of deceit, and wrong.

 _Like the first night they slept together. It had felt wrong._

 _They were doomed from the beginning._

"I've been thinking about the placement," Alicia says. Breath comes out in clouds; the air is cold, ice-like.

"As have I."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Any conclusions?"

"Mine aren't important," Ethan says. "It's your decision."

And boom. Right there. Your decision. He needs to write it in his palm so he doesn't forget.

Her decision.

He clutches the wedding ring box tighter. Out of sight.

Alicia bows her head. "I want to go. But this is my home."

"It always will be," he says, softly.

"If I leave, who am I?"

"Another person we've loved and lost."

"I mean... isn't it selfish?"

"Of course it isn't. Why would it be selfish?"

"Look at us, Ethan. Last week, before the tiff, we were doing fine. We could go that way again."

He watches her, knowing what she wants him to he begged her to stay, it'd be easier. And if he told her to just go, it'd be easier too. She doesn't wantto hurt she also doesn't want to stay either. Caught in a landslide of sorts - any direction will be painful, any direction will leave them with a sort of loss.

If she leaves, they'll lose their relationship.

If she stays, she'll lose her opportunity. And they might crash and burn anyway. Prior evidence means that it's likely. He knows it's likely. They're not going to get happy together because he wants it.

We can't always get what we want.

"I don't want to hold you back," he says to her. "Don't let me influence your decision."

"But you do, Ethan. Everyone does. Could I leave Charlie and Duffy, knowing what they're going through? Could I leave Ruby, who's been distant all week since Iain pounced on her? Could I leave my friends, my home, for some far away opportunity?"

"If the first option was the right one, Alicia, the second option wouldn't have come about."

"Meaning?"

"If you thought being in Holby was right for you, you wouldn't even be considering leaving."

"I love this place," she says."It' smy home."

"But it's not a prison."

"I don't know," she says. "I just don't know."

Fighting past the selfishness, he ends with: "You look happiest when you're in Paeds. You glow. I think you should take this placement."

The ring feels useless in his hand.

In the end, he never could hold her back.

It's her choice.

He loves much. He'd love to settle down with her, have children, grow old with her. He can imagine painting their house together. Even buying a _dog_ together.

But he knows her heart lies elsewhere.

"Oh, Ethan," she says quietly. "You're right. Of course. I have to take this. I can't stay when I know that could be waiting for me."

"Exactly," he says, and he finds he's whispering. "You can't say no to this, 'Lich."

They stand in silence. She's not looking, so he pushes the ring back into his pocket. He'll always love her. But he doesn't want to be the one who shackles her ankles.

Somehow, she looks lighter. Better. Eager.

She'd come to the decision herself, of course. He knows she likely would've left regardless.

But knowing she's going to be happy now? Leaving into a new life, hours away?

He could hold her back. Sure. But he couldn't live that way. The heartbreak will distinguish but the lifetime of guilt would not.

She runs her hands through her hair, grinning. Her movements are light, loose, like she could fly. And her face is glowing, excited. Like the old F2 he met. Pink haired and with a pink stethoscope, as bright as her blue scrubs, full of kinetic energy, absolutely rammed with intelligence and well-meaning. Her future was evident in her eyes, how she had so much left to discover and learn. That person never left.

Watch her, standing right there in front of him. She's happy. She's going to be happy.

"Anyway," she says, laughing at the statement, like he does - the decision of your life has been made, and you change the subject with something so mundane? "What did you want to talk to me about?"

Ethan smiles. "It's nothing. I just wanted to say that I love you."

Alicia loops her arms around him, sighing, hands gripping him softly. They hug in silence. Knowing, unspokenly, this is the last time.

Tonight is the night that they burn this bridge. And if they must come back to it, as proper friends, not partners, they must build it with sturdier, stronger ropes, and good intention.

He'll miss her. She'll miss him.

The ring box remains unopen in his pocket. A solid reminder of what could've been, of what he did want, of what she probably wouldn't.

And for the first time, their relationship feels just right; because it has ended.

In his arms, she is soft, loving, and caring. And in his heart, she'll remain the same. He can only hope that she shall regard him in the same notion - in memory, they'll continue dancing on, whilst the bad bridge burns in the background, letting them move on, and live. They shall _live_. They shall.

 _The end._

 ** _x-x-x-_ x-x**

 _ **a/n:** hiii. I hope u enjoyed that. I liked writing it :) u can totally ignore this authors note if u so wish, and go and cry about how the writers have messed ethan and alicia around for 2+ years. or u can read this._

 _it's been months and i'm so sorry. i left everything without a word. it wasn't for any other reason besides that these past few months from September '18 haven't been great. i wont go into detail. that's really all u need to know :) but regardless, i want to update. ive planned all my stories now and i'm pre-writing some. i hope to update, somewhat sporadically. even if no-one is reading anymore, i'll continue to finish these stories. I WILL FINISH THEM I PROMISE. bear with me!_

 _thank you so much for your patience. i have missed this archive, and i can't wait to get into the swing of writing again. i promise to be better. and above all, i promise to give some warning before disappearing off of the face of the earth in future! i'm learning along the way how to do things better._

 _thank you for reading :)_

 _marie xx_


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